Stoneybrook High
by blackflame28
Summary: The members of the BSC are now entering their senior year of high school. The girls have grown up since their BSC days and are facing new challenges. *on permanent hitaus*
1. Chapter 1: Dawn

All I can think about is death. I know it would wig out my step sister and the rest of my family if they knew, but often, I wish I was the one who died that night. I wish that I was the one in that casket, being buried under the ground. Instead I have to continue facing life. I am the one having to continue on, acting in ways that I am suppose to.

All my friggin' life I was such the "individual" but I wasn't. Not really. It was all about doing things that other people weren't but I was still concerned about people's opinions of me. Like in eighth grade with Travis. I wanted to change because of him. How was that being an individual? But all my friends continued to say I was an individual and I believed it. Then I moved back to California and things changed. My friends changed. My view of life changed. My wants and desires changed. Funny enough, even though Sunny Winslow was going through hard times it was her who made me realise that I was living through everyone else. I needed to be me. Whatever that meant.

I don't think my Stoneybrook friends understand why I stopped writing to them but since the only Stoneybrook friend I kept in touch with was my step- sister, I have learnt that most of my old friends have broken apart. We have all grown up and apart.

Now I am on the plane back to Stoneybrook. After what happened in California, after everything, dad wants to pretend that his little girl is safer back in Stoneybrook where she was kept in a box. I cannot even begin to write down all my feelings right now. I cannot even sort out my thoughts long enough to make this entry coherent it.

Mom is going to meet me at the airport then we are going to go out for dinner, just her and me. Then we'll go back to the house and have another chat with Mary Anne and Richard. Mom said on the phone last night she wanted to hear from me what happened before we met with the rest of the family, before I returned to school, which apparently starts in a couple of days.

How can I explain my life, how things have changed so drastically over dinner? How can I tell her that I got sick of being everyone's girl and started to be my own person? That I pulled away from everything I knew so I could learn who I was, that the only person who supported me during this time was Sunny because in her own way she was doing the same thing. She was trying to learn who she was without her mother being there for her. I imagine Dad told Mom that I was involved in the same things that Sunny was, which wasn't true. I had my limits. Before that night, I was making my decisions to pull away from Sunny because she was involved in things I could no longer stay by her.

I don't know. Maybe I could start my story off with what happened to Maggie Blume. Mom knew that in eighth grade she had an eating disorder but she didn't know that as much as Maggie tried to get in under control it became too much for her in tenth grade. Maggie was hospitalized and almost died. That just made Sunny all that much more crazier. Sunny couldn't deal with the fact of another death. I wonder if Sunny ever dealt with her mother's death in a positive way. It was during this point Sunny pushed Ducky away forever.

I could never tell mom all these stories. How could I tell Mom that the sunny Sunny Winslow reacted so badly to Maggie's problems that she started to use sex as an escape? It was at that point Sunny, who was already abusing alcohol moved to narcotics.

Of course I have changed. How could I not? I don't know. I simply don't know. Maybe I will just tell her the bare bone facts of that night. We went to a party. Sunny had too much to drink. I tried to take her home but she refused. I stayed with her because I was afraid something bad would happen to her. Sunny died in my arms.

Really, that's all Mom needs to know. That's all anyone knows. Maybe one day I'll tell someone the whole story but I'm not ready now.

-Dawn Schafer

Dawn sat at the booth across from her mother. Both picked at their salad. Dawn knew this dinner was a bad idea. It was just awkward. As much as her mother- or any mother- would hate to admit it, they simply grew apart in the years Dawn was in California. Really, as Dawn saw it, after a year of being in sunny California, she just stopped talking with those in Stoneybrook. It wasn't truly intentional but she didn't connect with her old friends anymore and she didn't really want to talk about her life with her family. She knew her family would always be there, but how can she explain the alienation she felt? How estranged she felt? Dawn's mother would do everything to convince Dawn to return to Stoneybrook if she knew how her daughter felt and Dawn didn't want that. She wanted to stay in Palo City.

Of course the question would be why would she want to stay if she felt so apart from everyone? It was simple in Dawn's mind: it was a time to find out who she was. It was time, as she had recently written in her journal, to move past the "individual" that was Dawn Schafer and become the true Dawn Read Schafer.

"Your father said," her mother paused in mid sentence.

"Said what?" Dawn asked, trying to keep her temper in check. She knew where this was heading. Her mother sighed, as if she was struggling with what to say next.

"He said that you seem to be really struggling lately, especially that your marks have gone down. He was worried because you seemed so withdrawn from most of your friends, except for Sunny. He is worried about you because you just... lost your best friend." Dawn sighed impatiently.

"If dad is so worried, why did he just send me away? Clearly he didn't want to deal with it so he couldn't have been so worried," Dawn bit her lip from saying more. She didn't want to say it but probably the real truth was that he didn't like Dawn interfering with his family, which was stupid. She just didn't know if it was stupid because Dawn was apart of his family or because her father would never think that. Dawn knew it was probably the latter, however it didn't feel like it. When she was 13, Gracie was born, the first daughter to his new wife. Then when she was 15, Shay was born, the beautiful second daughter to his new wife and now, at any moment, the third child was born. Her father was building a new family and there was no place for Dawn. Jeff, Dawn's younger brother, seemed to be welcomed, for now anyway. Jeff was The Son and he would remain that way unless this third child was a boy. Then who knows what would happen to Jeff's golden boy-ness?

"He is worried about you. He didn't think Palo City was a positive place for you, Dawn," her mother stared at her, "You know that. I know that he said that before you got on the plane," she paused, "Dawn, I know this is a tough time for you but you aren't alone. Feel free to open up to me or Richard. We are here for you."

Of course they were. They would say that but really what they meant was, "I'm here for you as long as you are playing by my expectations of you."

"Can we leave?" Dawn asked, putting down her fork. She was only picking at her salad, anyway. Her mother frowned but nodded. It seemed to take forever for the waiter to bring the bill and then for her mother to pay for it. Dawn was more than ready to leave when they finally got into the car. Thankfully Dawn was able to sleep on the way to the old farmhouse. Her mother poked her gently awake. This would be something else Dawn wasn't looking forward to dealing with. Time to see the rest of the family.

Mary Anne Spier hung up the phone gently. She saw her step- mother's car pull into the driveway. Her stepsister would be returning home. Strangely enough, Mary Anne had mixed feelings about the return of her best friend. They had kept in contact since Dawn moved to Palo City, California but it was only once in a while. There would be the random letter discussing how Maggie Blume was back in the hospital, or what crazy antics Sunny Winslow was up to but that was it. Mary Anne never got the full story what was going on out there. She supposed she shouldn't feel too upset since she didn't write either. After Dawn left and she broke up with her long time boyfriend, Logan Bruno, back in grade eight, Mary Anne wanted to change her life. She was tired of being the crybaby and the one everyone took advantage of; however, it took several more years before Mary Anne really started to change. She knew, deep inside, the real change began when Mary Anne quit the Baby-Sitters Club and stopped hanging out with her forever best friend, Kristy Thomas.

The front door slammed shut and she could hear Sharon call out, "We're home!" Mary Anne paused before moving. She heard her father, Richard, come out and greet his family. The familiar voice of her stepsister greeted her stepfather back monotonously. She hesitated. Dawn had enough changes already. Maybe Mary Anne should wait before she went downstairs. Surely, Dawn didn't need any more surprises.

"Where's Mary Anne?" Dawn asked. Richard called for her. Mary Anne swallowed hard. Well, whether Dawn was ready or not for the new Mary Anne, she would see it.

She walked downstairs into the lobby, where Dawn was still standing. Dawn looked exactly the same as she always did. Blue jeans and a t-shirt were customary on Dawn. Today she wore a hemp necklace with a little golden sun on it, and a matching hemp bracelet. In each ear were four little golden hoops. Her long blonde hair, which was so blonde it was almost white, flowed down her back, sort of like a golden river. Dawn was thin, Mary Anne thought, almost sickly thin. Maybe that was a result from the stress her stepsister had to deal with. But it was her blue eyes that stuck out in Mary Anne's mind the most. Before she returned to Palo City, Dawn's blue eyes always shined with happiness and joy. Now they were filled with sadness and seemed hard. It disturbed Mary Anne and filled her with guilt. How could she be off having fun and "discovering herself" while her own sister was so troubled? She was a horrible sister, wasn't she?

The two sisters embraced, without saying a word.

"Mary Anne!" Dawn whispered in her ear, "Look at you!" Mary Anne smiled into Dawn's hair.

"I'm glad to have you home, Dawn," she replied. The two sisters held on for a few more moments. Mary Anne almost thought she could feel Dawn relax in her arms, which, once they pulled away and she saw the pain in the other girl's eyes, she realised it was silly notion.

"Shall we go into the kitchen and have some tea?" Richard said, breaking the moment. Dawn grabbed one of her bags from the floor.

"I would rather just go to bed. My internal clock is all screwed up," Dawn replied and headed to her bedroom. Richard watched, speechless. Mary Anne looked at Sharon, who seemed very weak. Richard must have noticed it too because at that moment he wrapped his arm around his wife.

"Some herbal tea would be great," Sharon said and the pair went into the kitchen. Mary Anne decided it was time to retreat to her room. As she passed Dawn's room, her sister called her in.

"Mary Anne, what the hell?" Dawn asked. Mary Anne wasn't sure if Dawn was upset or not.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Dawn rolled her eyes and went to the window. She opened it and pushed out the screen.

"Your look for one," Dawn replied as she leaned out the window and lit a cigarette.

"What's with that?" Mary Anne asked, "The Dawn I knew would never smoke, especially with what happened to her best friend's mother." Dawn smirked at her sister.

"Yeah, well, people clearly change, don't they?"

"Then it's like you said. People change." Dawn didn't answer and finished her smoke in silence. She replaced the screen but kept the window open. Mary Anne could still smell the smoke. She shook her head and left the bedroom, feeling disgusted. Of all the changes, Dawn would have been the last person she would have thought to begin smoking.

She changed into her pjs and grabbed her journal. Maybe she should have stayed to chat, Mary Anne reflected. Her sister was probably just stressed from the trip and of course the Big Event that happened in California. She didn't need any attitude from Mary Anne. She stood up and peeked down the hall. Dawn's door was now closed and it looked like the lights were out. Maybe she would try again in the morning. Try to be friendly to her wounded sister. In all truth, however, Mary Anne wanted to know what happened in California. No one really knew. All Sharon said was that Sunny had died in Dawn's arms. No, it probably would be a bad idea to question Dawn too soon on what happened. It would be better to wait until Dawn felt more comfortable.

Richard popped his head into the bedroom.

"Tomorrow is the last day of summer, kiddo," he said smiling, "I thought maybe the four of us could go out for breakfast to celebrate my two girl's senior year. Sounds good?" Mary Anne smiled at her father.

"Sounds good, dad," she replied and he left the room. Maybe Dawn's own attitude would disappear in the morning. Maybe she was just tired from the trip. She picked up her pen and began to write.


	2. Chapter 2: Kristy

My Senior Year Journal.

Entry One

My name is Kristy Thomas and it has been three years since that terrible night with Mary Anne Spier and Cary Retlin. It seems like Mary Anne got over that night but then again, although I never admitted it to her, she is a strong girl. She grew up with a super strict father, she lost her mother, her other best friend moved away, her house burnt down (almost with her in it!) and she just keeps going on. I know everyone thinks she's a crybaby and is weak, but I know the truth. Maybe one day I will tell her.

I know for a fact Cary didn't get over that night completely. In fact, and again, this is another secret I can only confide to my journal, it is what brought Cary and myself closer. At first things just continued as normal. I will never forget when we were teachers for that seventh grade gym class! We both had continued our lives as if it never happened. I guess I should have realized it would effect us, I mean, after all, Cary was really roughed up. I remember the fear of seeing that gun pointed at me and my friends. I remember thinking that it was the end of our lives. I remember thinking that I was really going to die that night.

I'm getting off topic there. I really need to stop rehashing what happened in my head. I need to stop thinking about every stupid "mystery" we got involved in and how many times my friends and I brushed death. I need to stop thinking about how stupid we were. I need to stop thinking about all the things we could have changed, or thinking about all the things that we were just so damn lucky about! Like at that time at Shadow Lake. He was trying to kill us. He had a gun, for Pete's sakes! Why didn't we realize how dangerous things were? No, we thought we were the shit and kept going. We loved pretending we were Nancy Drew and had to solve those mysteries, even if it meant the end of our lives. Which, that night, it almost was. I cannot forget the look on Cary's face when the Cat Burglar beat him. Another secret that I will never reveal to anyone (but Cary): I still have nightmares.

As I started to say before, Cary and I became really close. For the first while we hid it. I remember that he would sneak over to my house during grade nine and we would just talk about that night. We acted as therapists to each other. I remember for the first while we could barely talk about any other subject without arguing. He was just so pig headed, but so was I. Then one night, in grade ten, we were meeting at his house, his parents were out, and we just starting making out. He was the first boy I had been interested in since Bart Taylor. I remember when I had kissed Bart it just felt wrong. But kissing Cary it felt right. Which seemed so absurd. We didn't even get along but things changed after that. Our "differences" weren't so different after all. I think at that point, we realized we were best friends. Months later we grew from best friends to lovers.

Now I'm entering grade twelve. It's been three full years since that terrible night. This is supposed to be year to start my life. Choose the university I want to go in, choose the career I want to go in, become the person I want to be. And again, to my journal only, I have to admit I'm afraid. That night had shook me to the core and I don't want to leave my family. I feel safe in this house. I am afraid if I go out there, into that big world, I'm going to get hurt again.

But thinking like that is not the Kristy Thomas way! I need to start thinking like the Kristy I have presented to the world. I need to be strong, forward thinking and, as always, the Great Idea Machine, whatever that means.

I will go into grade twelve with a confidence smile and walk in like nothing in the world is wrong, and despite how close I am with my friends, I know only Cary will see through that face. Maybe this will be the year we show the world we are more than just "casual" friends, but soul mates. Maybe.

Entry Two

I know everyone has forgotten about the Baby-Sitters Club (BSC) but me. Well, that's not true. I mean, after all, I am still running it and it's still pretty successful, but I mean the original members. I mean, Stacey McGill, Claudia Kishi, Mary Anne Spier, Dawn Schafer, Mallory Pike, Jessi Ramsey and Abby Stevenson. It's like those three years (or two for some of us) never happened. I don't think I'll ever forget that night where mom was searching for a sitter for David Michael and no one could do it. Then it hit me, like lightening, to form a club of reliable sitters so that one phone call could reach many sitters. It was pure genius, if I may say so myself.

Allow me, dear journal, to repeat history for a moment. Claudia Kishi was the vice- president of the club, Mary Anne was the secretary, Stacey was the treasure. Those were the original four. Then we asked Dawn to join, who became our Alternative officer. Then Stacey moved back to New York City and we asked Mallory Pike and Jessi Ramsey to join as junior members. Then Stacey moved back. After that Dawn returned to California and Abby joined as the Alternative officer. Then everyone just seemed to leave. In the middle of grade eight, Mallory left for some fancy boarding school. She became an honorary member, but when she did return from the school, a couple of years later, she didn't want anything to do with BSC anymore. She wanted to spend her time writing and trying to submit her works for publishing. Jessi, Mallory's best friend, left at the end of grade eight. She wanted to be in more advanced ballet classes, and from what I heard from Becca Ramsey (Jessi's sister) is that Jessi got accepted into some fancy school and has started to dance in some professional ballets. I guess, as hard as it is to admit, Jessi did the right thing leaving the BSC. Abby Stevenson left at the end of grade eight too. She wanted more time to work on her soccer. Abby is an Associate Member, meaning she will take jobs if no one else can.

Then entering into grade nine, my business really began to fall apart. Stacey McGill, despite the lies she told me, became really popular and wanted to have a social life over the club. She left in November of that year. Then in February, my one time best friend, Mary Anne left too. She didn't give me a reason, just that she wanted a break from the BSC and she would contact me when she wanted to re-join. She never did. Claudia Kishi left in the summer before grade ten. According to mom, she had some nervous breakdown or something. She wasn't in school in grade ten and came back last year. No idea what happened but believe me when I say there are rumours! I tried talking to Claudia one day but she just brushed me off. She seems really anti- social now. I would be surprised if she came back at all this year.

Now what is going on my club? Well, there were new members. After Mary Anne left, I had no choice but to get new members. Over the past couple of years my business had really undergo some serious changes but things seem pretty stable right now. Charlotte Johanssen (who's 12), Marilyn Arnold (12) and Karen Brewer (11) are all old clients of the club and now are members. Karen is also my step- sister. She wants to be president one day. Right now she's just a junior member, meaning she doesn't take night time jobs. She's too young to stay out really late. Sometimes I wonder if she's too young to sit at all, but then again Mallory and Jessi were eleven when they were in the club. Charlotte is the secretary and Marilyn is the Alternative Officer.

The other two members of the BSC are my age. Taylor Sol, who is Stacey's good friend, is the treasurer. I don't really like Taylor, because she thinks she's better than the rest of us but she is a good sitter so I am chalking this up to learning how to deal with people I don't like. If this idea I am mulling around in my head takes root (which I will explain in a minute) then I need to learn all sorts of business situations. The vice president is a good friend of mine, Virginia (or Ginny as she would preferred to be called) Leon. Ginny and I met in grade nine science class. She was always interested in hearing about the BSC but it took until the club was in dire straights before she would join.

Now my idea, which I originally wanted to write about. I actually want to talk to Cary about it but sometimes I think it's better to have a solid idea of what I'm thinking before I talk to him. I am entering senior year, which means I need to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Since I love running the BSC so much, maybe I'll make it my career. I'll go into business management and learn how to make the BSC into a corporation. I'll hire a lot of sitters and maybe start offering nanny and mother helper's services. I need to figure out how I will deal with the "officer" type duties I have now. And what about the junior members? I have some ideas. Like having younger teenagers be a part of the corporation for those parents who want someone younger, or cheaper. Also it will save the older sitters for true day jobs and overnight jobs. I'm not sure, exactly. I need to muse this over more. I was just thinking about what my stepfather, Watson, said the other day, about doing what I love. What else do I love more than the BSC? Well, softball is something else I love but I really don't want to make that a career. It seems like the logical choice would be to do something with the BSC.

Speaking of, it's almost time for the last BSC meeting of the summer, which leads me to another idea: I want to do some sort of big activity for the clients for the beginning of the school year. Okay, that's not so much an idea but a thought. I just need to figure out what exactly. I know I will think of it. It will hit me when I least suspect it!


	3. Chapter 3: Stacey

A Letter to the girls of the senior class, graduating 2012:

A Letter to the girls of the senior class, graduating 2012:

Sex. It is what defines us all. And by "sex" I do not mean gender: male/ female. I do mean the act, the desire and the want of it, of the deed, of giving yourself completely to another person. I completely believe anyone who says otherwise is just lying to himself or herself. I mean, I can look back at my life and say, "yeah, sex is what drove me." It defines how I look, how I want to appear to others and what I'll do. Think about it. If I didn't want to have it, I wouldn't try to look attractive, and if I didn't want to look attractive, I wouldn't dress the way I do. If I didn't want men to perceive my actions as attractive, then I wouldn't do the things that I do.

I started to realise this in grade nine, after the first time I did it. That experience completely opened my eyes. No, it wasn't that it was _that_ good or anything like but it was my thoughts immediately afterwards. You see, I was still tight with a group of girls, who all belong to a club called the Baby-Sitters Club. We seven girls used to be tighter than anything but then we started to drift apart. In fact, by the point of my life when I first did it, I really was only talking to Claudia Kishi, and at meetings, Kristy Thomas. Mary Anne Spier and I also stayed close for a part of grade nine; yet in my head I always saw her as Mary Anne. That wasn't the girl I was going to talk about sex with. Anyway, after I first had sex, I always thought I would want to run to the BSC meeting and tell my closest girlfriends but that wasn't the case at all. Sure, I sort of wanted to tell Claud right away, but the others? They seemed _so_ immature; I knew they couldn't handle it. Mary Anne would probably blush herself the colour of a tomato and Kristy (who I think needs to come out of the closet) would roll her eyes and demand to return to BSC business. And if Mallory Pike and Jessi Ramsey were a part of the club, they probably would have giggled. Claudia would have wanted to know the details and such, but at that time, I felt out of sync with her. Perhaps telling her would have reunited us, but I just didn't really want to.

I had other friends, however, I couldn't wait to tell. (And no, I'm not the type to kiss and tell, but come on, it was my first time. I had to tell someone!). Not telling the BSC, really made me stop and think, however. If I didn't want to tell my "friends" from the BSC, the biggest event in my life, why was I hanging out with them? Clearly, I thought as I reflected, it was because I felt I had to. So I did the only thing I could do: I quit the BSC and ended those friendships. It was the best decision I made.

But I'm focusing too much on the past and not the topic I want to convey here. Besides the BSC really has little to do with sex but ending those friends was definitely a consequence of sex.

Writing all this makes me sound like a huge slut, which I am not. Sure, there are rumours that are going around that say I've slept with more men than who attend Stoneybrook High, but believe me when I say that's a complete lie. I am not a slut. And before you say, "Isn't that what all sluts say?" allow me to defend myself. A slut is someone who just sleeps around, who has no emotional attachment to one she sleeps with, or if she does, it's brief and doesn't last long. Don't become a slut ever. You not only lose the respect of those around you, but you lose respect for yourself. I have seen enough girls go down that road to say it's not worth it.

Like I said before, I'm not a slut. I have only slept with two guys before. The second being last night. And this is the reason for the letter for the girls of the future. The principal approached me last week (when I was picking up my schedule for the new school year) to write a letter for the girls who are just entering high school, to spend my words of wisdom. From my understanding a couple other students are adding to this letter to: the student council president, the editor of the school newspaper, an honour roll student and myself. I think I was invited, because not to be proud or anything, but I am the most popular girl in the school. Besides I do given a different dimension than what the other students would give. For example, I doubt the rest will talk about the importance of sex.

Off topic. I agreed to do this letter because of the second guy I had sex with. He is not any of the people I listed above. In fact, I'm not going to mention his name at all but he is the most wonderful man on the planet, I swear. He makes me feel ways I never felt before. He makes me think about things I never did before, and he has opened my mind as I never thought possible. I consider myself very worldly (I have travelled across the country and into Europe. I also grew up in New York City, which, by the time you read this, I plan to be living there). He's opened my mind to things I didn't think of before. He is the one who thought, since I'm full of opinions, I should make those thoughts out there. I wasn't sure how exactly to do that. I could start a weblog, but who's going to read it? So when the principal asked me to write, it was like God was opening a door for me!

Gah, this letter is all over the place. I should probably do a re- write to organize my thoughts but maybe I'll do this letter in parts. But allow me to finish this letter like this: you are driven by sex. Use it your advantage; don't let it use you.

I will go into more detail next time.


	4. Chapter 4: Dawn

I am not happy to be back in Stoneybrook. Where do I even start? Right now I'm sitting in homeroom, next to this stranger, who I call my STEP sister, listening to the teacher YAMMER on about what a WONDERFUL year it's going to be.

It's been two months since Sunny's death. I feel the urge to write down everything and then just end the pain there. I should know what I mean by that last statement, but I don't. What bothers me the most is how my family is so SHOCKED at how I have changed. It's driving me insane. They should look at themselves. Richard and mom seemed to even themselves out. I'm not surprised at that, however, I never heard mom say once "where are my keys?" this morning. That was unnerving. And then there's Mary Anne. She is like a totally new person. For one, she has BLONDE hair. She died her lovely brown hair, blonde. But it's not only that. She seems more outgoing. I can't even describe it, but she's not the Mary Anne I remember. What more she spent the summer in EUROPE this year. ON HER OWN. It was some student exchange program, but she lived there with another family and did all the things that Europeans do. She hasn't told me what country; she keeps saying she would rather talk about me. Pft.

What more all my old classmates are just tackling me when they see me. Stacey McGill squealed when she saw me. She said we had to plan time to "catch up." From the looks of her, she is the same Stacey McGill I remember in eighth grade: a girl who desires power and popularity. She has plenty of both, I hear. Kristy seemed surprised to see me too. I know she would have come over if Mary Anne wasn't there. Mary Anne seemed to walking me around as if I was some new puppy she had to show off to her friends. Luckily homeroom is the only class we have together. We don't even have lunch together.

What no one understands is that I want to be left alone. I don't want to be social right now. I want to sort out my feelings- alone. Sunny Winslow was my best friend. Why doesn't anyone understand that? Sometimes, I blame Maggie. She emailed last night, asking how Stoneybrook was. I didn't reply. I know I shouldn't blame her but it's like Sunny snapped when Maggie was hospitalized and almost died. We all tried so hard to get Maggie to eat but she wouldn't. She kept saying that she wasn't hungry, that she just ate or some excuse. We knew she was lying but we couldn't force it down her throat. Well, Amalia and Ducky tried once. Failed and she refused to talk to them until she was hospitalized, but they did more than Sunny and I did.

Sunny just snapped, however. I remember how MAD she became. She came home with me, after our first visit at the hospital. Ducky had dropped off together. I should have seen the explosion coming because she was so silent on the car ride. Sunny Daydream Winslow is never that quiet. Sunny came into my room and just started cursing. I can remember exactly what she said.

"What the hell does that bitch thinks she's playing at? Doesn't she realise she'll never be perfect enough for her father, for her family? She isn't perfect. She cannot control everything! Weren't we getting through to her? Damnit, Dawn! Why did she have to do this? I swear, if she wasn't trying to kill herself, I would be!" Sunny's rant only stopped because Carol came in, saying that we would wake the baby. I didn't care but Sunny quieted down, verbally. She paced around the room for a while then told me she was going out. She couldn't sit around, doing nothing, being quiet while Maggie was doing something so stupid.

I remember feeling angry too, but not as mad as Sunny was. For the rest of the week, Sunny refused to visit Maggie. Maggie finally called Sunny and begged her to come down. The night that Sunny agreed to come down, Maggie's heart stopped. That was a dark night. I remember seeing the doctors and nurses run into Maggie's room, trying to save her life, just as Sunny entered the hospital. She saw it all. Ducky held me tight. Amalia was in the room, with Maggie. I still don't know why they didn't get her to leave. Sunny stayed alone, in the corner of the room, until the doctors came out and told her parents (to which we overheard) that Maggie was alive and there would be no brain damage. Sunny left right after that. I cannot remember when Sunny and Maggie had a real conversation after that. Sunny would often call her a selfish bitch. I remember Ducky defending Maggie. I remember that really upsetting Sunny.

It really didn't take long, after that, for Sunny to destroy all her friendships, except mine. Sometimes I think she thought of me as her lifeline. As long as I was around, she had the opportunity to return to the "normal" world that she stormed away from. As long as I stood next to her, she would be welcomed back, with open arms. I don't think Sunny really wanted down that road she walked on but I don't think she learnt how to handle her pain. I wish I could have been a better friend.

I wish- ah, crap. Mary Anne is trying to peek at this. I'll finish this later… and besides there is the bell for next period.


	5. Chapter 5: Mary Anne

Mary Anne tapped her pencil against her desk as Dawn scribbled furiously in her journal

Mary Anne tapped her pencil against her desk as Dawn scribbled furiously in her journal. Shy mousy Mary Anne was furious. Dawn Read Schafer was bringing back shy- cry baby- passive Mary Anne. Mary Anne of new would not sit next to this blonde drama queen quietly. She would tell her exactly what was on her mind, which was how much Dawn was annoying her. Her step- sister's mood did not change over night and she did not return to the upbeat easygoing girl Mary Anne once knew. No, she was moody, snappish and anti- social. Like this morning when Sharon decided to make Dawn's favourite breakfast. Dawn wouldn't have any of it. She wanted, simply, an orange. Sharon, who didn't like to cook, went all that trouble and Dawn wasn't even grateful. Mary Anne wanted to slap her step- sister.

Then there was coming to school. Mary Anne drove them. Dawn didn't say a word. Mary Anne was looking forward to the first day of school. She hadn't seen her friends too often over the past week, since her entire family was getting ready for the beloved daughter's return. Mary Anne had hoped that Dawn would either get along with her friends or go off on her own. Dawn had stuck by Mary Anne like glue. She would nudge her every once in a while and whisper, "There's Claudia! There's Kristy! There's Stacey!" but then act annoyed if Mary Anne tried to get her to talk to them.

Maybe it was partly her fault. She never truly explained that the old crowd didn't talk anymore. She wouldn't mind if Dawn re-connected with any of the girls, but Mary Anne didn't want to. Those friends were a loss, but she wasn't heart broken over it. Especially, strangely, Kristy's. The girl was just too controlling and bossy for the new Mary Anne Spier.

Finally the bell rang for homeroom and she could escape from Dawn for the rest of the day. She felt bad thinking that about her sister but until Dawn snapped out of this melodramatic funk, Mary Anne didn't feel any patience for her. Unlike the old Mary Anne, who would mope along with Dawn, this Mary Anne understood the value of life and refused to spend her days crying.

As soon as homeroom was over, Mary Anne dashed out of the classroom, without a further word to her step- sister. Mousy Mary Anne felt awful for doing it. She should try harder. Dawn has gone through a terrible experience. Mary Anne should do more for her hurting sister. Too bad the new Mary Anne Spier simply didn't care at this moment.

She spotted her friends immediately and hug tackled them.

"Lookin' good, Spier," Pete Benard said, looking at her up and down. Mary Anne blushed. Pete was the newest member of their tight knit group. He transferred from Germany the year before after his parents went through a bitter divorce. His father won custody and him and his younger sister, and he moved them back to America, where his father grew up. Pete didn't talk much about his life back in Germany, and even less about his mother, so all Mary Anne knew was that he didn't have much contact with his old life.

"Hey, Spier," Allison Reed said as she slide herself in front of Pete, stopping him from eyeballing Mary Anne too much. Pete seemed interested in Mary Anne. He flirted alot, touched alot but never asked her out. Allison thought Pete was just an asshole, and just trying to use Mary Anne, but Mary Anne thought differently. She never gave Pete the impression she wanted his attention. She was determined to change that.

"McGill is throwing a party this Friday night. I managed to get an invite. Are you in? Or do you still have things to do with your family?" Allison asked.

"No, I'm in," Mary Anne replied quickly. The bell rang, signalling that they were late for class. Pete pushed past Allison and grabbed Mary Anne's hand.

"I'll walk you to class," he whispered as he brushed his lips against her hand. Allison rolled her eyes.

"We'll discuss the party more at lunch!" then she walked off. Pete grinned at Mary Anne.

"I can imagine you wearing a sexy party dress," he paused, "Perhaps we can go together?" Mary Anne pretended to hesitate, trying not to look too eager. She stopped in front of her classroom.

"Perhaps," she smiled and turned away. She smiled. While she didn't give Pete a definite answer, he should know she was saying yes. If not, she would definitely cement her answer in his head at lunch. Yes, she thought, this was the way the school year was supposed to start.


	6. Chapter 6: Kristy

Kristy slid down in her chair and looked around her. She had decided to Administrative Business this year. It was a hard course, she had been told, and the school had limited the class to only 20 people, instead of the usual 30- 35 students per class. One had to have top marks to get into the class. Actually, the school had decided this year to make five classes super exclusive to get into, so to emulate how university was going to be. She looked to see who else was in her class. She wasn't surprised to see Pete Black in her class, and according to Abby Stevenson, he was also in the exclusive Political Science course. There were some other students in the class she recognized as well, such as Emily Bernstein, who was the editor of the school newspaper and had already had some articles published in the _Stoneybrook_ _News_, Grace Blume, Jeff Cummings, Todd Long, and Ellie Szilagyi. Most of the class was still empty. Kristy pulled out her notebook and wrote her name on top. Out of all her classes, this was the one she most worried about. She had to enjoy it and do well or else she career plans would be gone. She took a deep breath. Why was she freaking out? She enjoyed a challenge. Yes, Kristy Thomas, thrived on challenges. Too bad telling herself that didn't calm the butterflies in her stomach.

"Hey, Kris," a familiar voice said. She broke out of her thoughts and saw Cary Retlin. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Hey," she smiled, with a smirk on her face, "You never said you would be taking this class." He shrugged and took the seat beside her.

"You didn't ask," he replied.

"Actually, I did. The words, 'what classes are you taking this year' came out of my mouth several times." He smiled at her.

"You didn't ask this morning when I got transferred in," he pulled out his notebook. Oh, she wanted to smack him. He was such a smart mouth but she knew that was just how he was. In private he wasn't so defensive, so on edge. It was an act. Only she knew how soft and gentle he was. Briefly her mind wandered to the night before when she had snuck out her house to go visit him. The night was full of mischief and passion.

"Aren't you going to ask why? Or demand that I leave your classroom?" he asked her. Her face blushed. She knew he wasn't thinking of the night before. He was probably focused on the act they both had to keep up: they were mortal enemies.

"Nah," she replied, "I figure you are just so infatuated with me that you can't help but stalk me." Cary laughed.

"You know it, Thomas, I want you badly," he turned away and began to focus on preparing for class. At that moment the teacher, Mr. Levithan came into the classroom, pushing a cart of textbooks.

"Okay, everyone, come up and grab your textbook!" he called, "We are going to jump right in today." Kristy stood and Cary bumped into her. He brushed his hand with hers and smiled at her. The other students pushed passed them. He leaned in close. He smelt of aftershave and shampoo.

"Seriously, I want you badly," he whispered then went to grab his textbook. Kristy followed him and didn't say anything.

"Kristy Thomas," Mr. Levithan said as he handed her a textbook, "I understand you already have some business experience with your club." Kristy nodded.

"I have been president for the last six years," she said, "I really want to make it more professional after high school. I have some ideas and I figured this would be a good place to being to polish those ideas and see if business is what I am really interested." Mr. Levithan nodded.

"You still run that softball team for children?" he asked. Kristy was surprised he knew about that. A lot of teachers knew about the BSC, and most have seen her play on the school's team, but Kristy's Krushers wasn't really big news.

"Yeah, or at least this year. I'm thinking once in university I'm going have to stop. I just hope I can get one of the other members of the BSC to pick up coaching." In truth, Kristy hadn't thought a lot about the Krushers. She just figured the team would disband once she went to university.

"A business trip, Kristy, keep the team up and keep it free. Community service is good for any business." Kristy nodded. She mused about that. It seemed sort of wrong to use the Krushers for good publicity for the BSC. But was it any different from MacDonald's using their kid's camp for publicity?

Cary tossed a letter on her desk. She quickly opened it, "I was thinking about what you said yesterday. I don't want to keep fighting with you in public for the sake of fighting. I want the world to know I love Kristen Amanda Thomas. Are you sure you want people to know you are in love with me?"

"Okay, class, let's begin by reviewing chapter one. We are going to move quickly in this class, so we can cover all the basics. Near the middle of the term, I want you all to present to me a business plan for a business you want to begin, using what we have learnt. So let's jump right in!"

Kristy looked over at Cary. His hair, which was on the longish side, covered his face as he began to silently read ahead the chapter. She smiled. Yeah, she was pretty sure she was ready to reveal to the world that she was Cary Retlin's girlfriend.


	7. Chapter 7: Mallory

Dear Journal,

I have returned to Stoneybrook. Today was my first day at Stoneybrook High school. It was so strange. I saw people I remember from Stoneybrook Middle School. Jessi Ramsey, my one time best friend, was not there. I miss Jessi. I blame myself. I got so involved at Riverbend that I didn't have enough time to write to Jessi. Then she got busy with her new ballet school. Now she's in New York, dancing with a company. I think it's been about a year since I last wrote her. It's been almost two years since I've last seen her. I miss my best friend.

I thought, at least, when I returned some people would remember me. And not just as Spaz Girl. But no one even said hi to me. No one seemed to know who I was, or at least acknowledged my existence. I haven't changed that much since grade six, have I? I still have red hair, not nearly as frizzy but still somewhat frizzy, I still have glasses, I no longer have braces. I am still somewhat big- boned. I still have a big nose. I think I look the same, just somewhat older.

I don't know. Maybe I expected too much. I mean, it's not like I was popular ever. So why did I expect anyone talk to me? I think the better question is, why did I ever agree to leave Riverbend? I was so happy there.


	8. Chapter 8: Mary Anne

Sometimes, I think about grade nine. Does it make me a bad person to admit that I don't think about it very much? I think about how the four of us used to hang out all the time, sometimes with Abby. I remember how the four of us entered the high school building, holding hands, almost afraid to let go of each other. I'm not surprised in the least that Stacey was the first to let of our hands. She was in awe of the building and the people. She was so excited that day. I remember looking at her and then looking at my mental imagine of myself and thinking, I felt so young. There was Stacey McGill, dressed up in the latest fashions, and there was me, dressed up in preppy clothes with a button hanging off my backpack that read "I [heart my kitty." I remember wanting to rip it off. I remember looking at Claudia, who was dressed up in wild clothing, her hair piled up in a million pigtails, and just out there, and Kristy, dressed in a t-shirt and blue jeans and I felt so young. It was really no wonder that Stacey broke off first. None of our lockers were together. We had to go our separate ways immediately. I remember wanting to cry. Again, I felt like such a child.

I remember being so afraid that Kristy, or any of the other girls, would not be in my classes. What if I was alone? I was lucky once in seventh grade to be alone and have that opportunity to meet Dawn, but what were the chances that would happen again? I must have been trembling when I entered homeroom, but luckily Stacey was there. It turned out we had all our classes together. Neither of us had any classes with Claudia or Kristy, except for lunch. I didn't like not having all my classes with all my friends, but it was okay. Stacey and I hang out a lot more and, surprisingly, we became close. We hang out after school, we went shopping together, she taught me how to use make up and style my hair differently (I had let it grow out over the summer some).

At the same time, Stacey was becoming friends with the more popular girls in school, and since I spent so much time with Stacey, I became their friend too. By mid October, Stacey and I began to eat our lunches with the "Cool Girls". Stacey did more than I did. I usually did if I needed to speak to Stacey about homework or some after school activity we were involved in. Stacey, at that time, was trying to convince me to try out for cheerleading. I flat out refused. Kristy became very jealous. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day if I sat with Stacey and the "Cool Girls." She would ignore me at the BSC meeting, if we had one that day. Claudia didn't act like that so much, but it was obvious that she was hurt that Baby Mary Anne got to sit with the "Cool Girls" while they snickered at her. And honestly, as I had told her in the beginning of October, her outfits were really too much. Yes, the Pebbles hairstyle was cute, but the entire look? Claudia would say she enjoyed the artistic look and those girls were just mean and snobby. Maybe so, but secretly I was embarrassed to be seen with Claudia anymore. I hated to admit it, but my feelings for my life long best friends were changing.

As the next couple of months passed, Stacey and I became closer and closer and our friendship with Claudia and Kristy seemed to become more of a business relationship. Stacey started skipping BSC meetings; however, I remained faithful. I loved the kids and I didn't want whatever we were going through to effect them. As Christmas neared and Kristy came up one ridiculous idea after another, I knew I had to be honest with myself. I simply was outgrowing the BSC. I needed to make a decision. I had to decide with whatever I was feeling, and my feelings towards the past.

Funny enough, it was a date with Logan that made the decision for me.

Argh, why am I going down this memory lane? Maybe because of Stacey's party this weekend. Do I really want to go? It feels like everything is going to come to a head. Taylor said that the entire senior class has been invited. I am worried that Stacey has something up her sleeve. She always wanted to make senior year "special" and what better way than to gather everyone in the same spot and try to make fire works? Stacey would simply see all this as "exciting." Sometimes I think her blood is ice.

Logan Bruno. He was my first love. I thought I would marry him and have a wonderful family with him. I ignored the abuse he put me through. The controlling, the lack of caring of my life, the cold shoulder I would receive. I ignored it because I believed that what love was. So when Logan came to me in the end of November, with a bunch of red roses, proclaiming his undying love, I agreed to a date with him. Still, at that time, boys weren't expressing a lot of interest in me, despite my new look and popular status. Logan was fairly popular too. A lot of the other "Cool Girls" were jealous that he asked me out plus it seemed everyone thought that Logan and I were a match made in heaven. I figured they were right. After all Logan and I had broken up and gotten back together before. Maybe we were a match made in heaven.

The date started out nice enough. We went to see a movie. I got to choose the movie so I picked some cheesy romance movie. I think I just wanted to get into the "date mood" then we went out for dinner. We decided we would walk home. Dad and Sharon were away that weekend, so I didn't have to worry about being home at a specific time. We had an alright time. We laughed quite a bit, discuss our new classes, discussed the BSC and the clients. Logan told me he didn't regret dropping out of the BSC one bit. He said, despite the fact he hardly baby-sat, it took too much of his time and Kristy's projects were too much for him. I agreed. I told him about the big Christmas drive Kristy wanted to do for the senior's home, including a trip to the home on Christmas day. He said that Kristy's ideas just get too big of her and she needed to realize that we were just kids ourselves. I laughed at that. Kristy never sees herself as a "kid" and as long as Claudia (and I) kept enabling her, she would always force us into these projects. He asked why I was still apart of the BSC. I couldn't answer him.

By that point, we were at my house. I took out my key, all ready to bid him good night, but Logan Bruno had different plans. I never told anyone what happened afterwards, not even Dawn. Of course Dawn and I were just beginning to really separate. Her letters were less frequent and so shallow. I didn't feel like I could open up to her. I still don't.

Logan Bruno didn't rape me. I allowed him into my home. I allowed us to get carried away in the living room. I allowed him to take off my shirt. It was the first time he ever saw me without a shirt. I took of his. His hands were on my pants when I realized we were going too far. I think I just wanted to do those things. Stacey told me how freeing it was when she fooled around with Ethan (at this time, Stacey was still a virgin). I wanted to feel it too but I wasn't ready yet. And I knew I didn't want to do those things with Logan Bruno. I realized I didn't want any more to do with him. So I told him no. He laughed and unbuttoned my pants. I pushed him off and pulled on my shirt. He called me a tease and went to kiss me again. I shoved him off and told him no again. He stood up next to me and threw me to the couch. There was something in his eyes I couldn't place. I began to cry. I was so sure he was going to rape me. He looked at me and seemed to snap out of whatever was wrong with him. He apologized and left.

I cried for a good hour after that but not just because what could have happened. I realized at that point, when I finally banished Logan Bruno out of my life, I wanted to do the same with Claudia and Kristy. Well, maybe not banish them, but I wanted a change. I didn't want to be Mary Anne Spier, Secretary of the BSC. I didn't want to be the only sitting for Jenny Prezzioso anymore. I didn't want a lot of things. I also realized that I didn't want to live in Stacey McGill's shadow anymore. I didn't want to be the Mary Anne knew I was. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be someone completely different. I just didn't know how to become this person. So I did the only thing I could think of in order to break out of the Mary Anne Spier's shell. I rebelled.

Now it's late and I don't want to write anymore. I especially don't want to think about what happened next. I know I need to face it again before Stacey's big party. I just don't want to.


	9. Chapter 9: Dawn

"You want to go to the party on Saturday or not

"You want to go to the party on Saturday or not?" Mary Anne asked, sighing impatiently. Dawn looked up from her math textbook. She had math problems to complete already, but it looked like gibberish to her. It wasn't that she didn't understand the material; it was simply that she could not focus on the problems long enough for the words and symbols to sink into her brain.

"I guess so. Who is going to be there?" Dawn finally answered. Mary Anne sighed again.

"Everyone," she said then turned away. Dawn rolled over on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her thoughts travelled to dinner. She knew she should have said something and skipped it, but her mother looked so pitiful, wanting her family to sit together. Mary Anne and Richard ate something with tons of meat. Mary Anne made a lot of comments how "wonderful" it was. Dawn poked at her salad, which tasted like cardboard. Then again, everything tasted like cardboard lately. Richard asked a lot of questions about the first day of school. Mary Anne bubbled on and on about how "great" it was to see her friends again and how they already had big plans for the year. Then she acted more seriously, saying how "excited" they all were about applying for university this next year. Dawn was certain that Mary Anne did that on purpose. Richard turned to Dawn and asked her what her plans for the next year were. She didn't think the answer "living out this year" would be sufficient. Whatever the answer she would give, she knew it would incorrect. Dawn wanted the tables to turn back to Mary Anne, so she asked about Kristy. The rest of the dinner continued like that, an unseen battle between Dawn and Mary Anne.

Dawn jumped up. She needed out of the house. She didn't know what Mary Anne had against her, or why she didn't seem to be that sympathetic girl she used to be, but she needed to get out from the judgement of her entire family. She ran out of the house. The air was still warm, with the soft touches of summer in the air. She kept running. She had no idea where she was going, just that she wanted away from Stoneybrook and everything she lost. After a little while, Dawn found herself on the steps of Stoneybrook Middle School. She sat down on the stairs, trying to catch her breath. SMS, where it all started, she thought. Where she realised there was life besides California and where she made the greatest friends in the world, or so she thought at the time.

"Dawn Schafer," a voice called out, breaking her out of her thoughts. She looked around.

"Ryan Davis," she said with a smile on her face. Ryan Davis was one of her dirty little secrets. In eighth grade, before she left for California for good, Ryan and Dawn had hooked up, or hooked up as far was eight graders go. There was hand holding, there were kisses and the promise of never forgetting each other, which lead to promptly forgetting about him the next day. He was her dirty little secret because he was one of the bad boys of SMS. That was exciting for Dawn, and as she sat on the cool cement steps, she felt excited again to be in his presence. Maybe Ryan Davis was exactly what she needed right now.

"Dawn Schafer," he repeated and looked her up and down, "Sexy Dawn Schafer, I may add. I saw you in the halls today but I didn't quite believe it was you. What is the hottest babe in Stoneybrook doing back?" He sat down next to her.

"Long story," she replied, "What have you been up to?" Ryan shifted closer to her. She could now smell his cologne, mixed with something else. Perhaps alcohol.

"You know, stuff," he replied, shrugging, "Been thinking about you all day."

"Oh, come on," Dawn rolled her eyes, "You really think anyone is going to fall for that line?" Ryan looked hurt.

"It's true. I was thinking why on Earth would you return here? And how much luck would I need to pick up where we left off?" Dawn blushed. This was completely unreal.

"I don't believe you," she replied. He chuckled.

"You should," he took her hand and helped her to her feet, "Let's go."

"Where?" He smiled at her but didn't respond. He lead her around the back of the schoolyard, where a several other classmates where sitting around. One passed a paper-bagged bottle to another. A few were smoking.

"Dawn Schafer!" a voice from the group called to her. Cokie Mason stumbled towards her. She was clearly drunk, "What the hell are you doing back here?" Dawn paused. Did she mean at SMS with Ryan or back in Stoneybrook altogether?

"Hey, Cokie, shut up," Ryan said and he sat down on the ground. He grabbed a bag that was near him and pulled out a cooler. He offered one to Dawn. She hesitated for a moment. It wasn't like Dawn had never had a drink before, hanging out with Dawn practically guaranteed that she would have had one sooner or later, but after Sunny's death, Dawn swore not to return to that road but sitting here, she accepted the cooler. She twisted off the cap and took a long drink. It burned her throat on the way done but the sharp taste was inviting. She took another drink, wondering how many it would take before she began to feel relaxed again. She decided to drink the whole thing in a single go. It burned and fizzed in her mouth, but she didn't care. Sunny always said how freeing these "little" vices were and if Dawn would just relax for five minutes, she would agree. But Sunny died. Sunny had left her. Dawn threw the empty bottle against the brick walls of the school. Cokie clapped drunkenly.

"Never would have thought that Miss Sunshine and Lollipops would have it in her to do that," she slurred. Ryan put his arm around Dawn.

"I didn't either," he whispered in her ear. His warm breath made her shiver. She smiled at him as she took his bottle too.

"People change," then began to drink that one.


	10. Chapter 10: Claudia

Author's Note: I made some changes to Chapter 3, and Chapter 5 and Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I made some changes to Chapter 3, and Chapter 5 and Chapter 6. Mainly I realised I had some errors with my history (saying in one chapter Stacey and Mary Anne weren't friends in grade nine, and in another saying they were) and changed how many times I used the names "Taylor" and "Reed." Clearly, I wasn't thinking as I wrote this before.**

**I have a few ideas how to continue with this. Please be patient with me, as I am entering exam time and will be busy with that. Also I have a few other projects on the side. However, (and this is in no means me begging) reviews do motivate me. Also I like to know how I'm doing and that it doesn't come out like gibberish.**

**Thanks to all who have reviewed so far. **

Stamford Alternative Academy. That's where I should have stayed. Who cares if I got incredibly depressed there? Did it change anything? Sure, I had the greatest years of my life up until high school. Gah, I don't even know why I'm doing this. I HATE writing but maybe if I write about today, about my first day as a senior I will feel better but, no matter how I feel at the end of this journal entry, I still wish my parents made me stay at SAA. Then maybe things would be so different.

Where do I begin? Maybe at the beginning of my high school career. I am so sick of thinking about Stoneybrook Middle School. About how "wonderful" those days were. If I had known how FALSE everything was, I would have changed things.

Take Stacey McGill, my former best friend. She is the bitch of the school, and probably has been ridden more times than the village bicycle. Ha! It feels good to say that. I hate having to pass her and her friends everyday, smiling. She has no idea what it is like to be me. None of them do. They just have the image of 12 and 13 year old Claudia Kishi: Miss I love junk food and art. You never looked deep enough in me did you? You were always so involved with your own lives: with sports, boyfriends or your stupid Baby- Sitters Club.

This was not to say I was NEVER happy during, what I refer to as the BSC years, which include grade seven, eight and for the most part grade nine. It was during grade nine that things really began to fall apart. I know back then I blamed it on the BSC and school, but I was lying to myself. I am not ashamed to say this but I would have thought, out of any of the old BSC members, it would have been Mary Anne who went down this road. I feel like a bitch saying that, but it's true. Mary Anne was the one who was always crying over something, even if it was really nothing, she was the one who went to see a doctor because of how she was feeling depressed. She was also so introverted and shy, it was like all signs pointed to her. Now she's a huge bitch, like Stacey, only worse because she doesn't see herself as a bitch.

As I was reflecting, by the time grade nine rolled around, Abby Stevenson and Jessi Ramsey had already dropped out of the BSC to pursue their own activities. I believe by the time Jessi (who is two years younger than me) was about to enter into high school, she decided to leave for New York to do her ballet full time. After she dropped out of the BSC, we didn't stay in touch. We didn't have much in common. Midway through grade nine, Stacey McGill decided to drop out of the BSC. She told me it was because she didn't have time to baby-sit anymore and she simply wasn't interested anymore. She told me she still loved the kids but she would rather spend her time with her new friends than plan festivals for little kids. She told Kristy she had to drop out because school was keeping her too busy. She was a bitch and liar then. I just didn't see it. Shortly after, Mary Anne dropped out, which was a surprise. I don't recall the reason now, but whatever it was, it caused a rift between Kristy and Mary Anne. Since the club was only down to two members, Kristy was determined to get new members. She convinced Abby to return for a short time. I believe that Kristy is still running the BSC, with whole new members. I don't really know, I didn't keep track.

It was the summer between grade nine and ten when things really began to fall apart for me. I was in summer school, re-doing English, math and history. I had barely passed grade nine. My parents' were on my case for doing better. They thought I should quit all my extra circular activities until my marks improved. And of course Janine was doing wonderfully at school. She, too, was taking summer school courses, but it was of her own choice. Anyway, despite my parents ban on BSC meetings and art classes, I didn't care. I suppose that should have been a sign, but since the beginning of summer, Stacey was more and more busy with her new "popular" friends that she didn't have time for me. Her new friends were constantly teasing me because of the clothes I wore and Stacey just didn't stand up for me. I felt so depressed. I figured I just would get over it, however. It was be like grade eight and Stacey would get sick of being one of the popular mean girls and return to me. She didn't, however. I remember one time in July, after a really hard day in school I called up Stacey. I wanted to go out shopping. I could hear her new friends in the background. I can clearly the distain in her voice when she realized who called. "Oh, it's you Claudia" then there were giggles in the background. The giggles were muffled, and I knew Stacey had put her hand over the mouthpiece. I felt really hurt. The whole phone call lasted thirty seconds. I hung up feeling lower than ever. I remember debating about calling Kristy to hang up, but I knew she was still pretty pissed about me dropping out of the BSC I wasn't up to it. I remember thinking about Mimi and wondering how things would be different if she had lived.

I don't know how it progressed but by later that night, I was in a terrible depression. I think, by this point in the end it's foggy for me, I started to clean up my room. I found an old BSC notebook. I saw all the spelling mistakes and I read all the hidden tones of the other girls. I knew what they were all saying, "Claudia Kishi is an idiot." I could hardly stand it. All those people who I thought were my friends suddenly didn't seem to be my friends. They were all liars, all people just pretending to like me while all along they thought I was dumber than nails. I felt like I was going to explode with emotion. I grabbed a knife and slit my wrists. I remember, this I remember clearly, the dark red blood dripping on the floor and I thought, "Isn't this artistic?" Then mom came into my room, to wish me good night. I remember how she screamed when she saw me.

I spent the next year at Stoneybrook Centre for Mental Health Care, or as the patients called it The Centre. I finally was, in a way, forced to deal with my feelings. I had been battling depression for a long time and it was the first time, I felt, that I could really be ME without having to compete for someone else's attention, such as my older sister's. I left the Centre near the end of grade ten, and finished up the year with tutors. My family decided it would be best to wait until the new school year before I return.

Grade eleven was hell. It truly was. I hated it with a fiery passion. I had no friends because there were massive rumours flying around about me. Apparently, according to one rumour, I was involved in drugs, was arrested and for the past year I was in jail. I didn't bother explaining the truth. Stacey wouldn't even look at me unless it was to make some sort of snide comment, so I didn't even bother to try to re- connect with Kristy or any other of the BSC or any of my other friends. I spent grade eleven alone.

I cannot wait until this year is over. Then I can start over somewhere new. I know I'm not going to be able to get away from my depression, but I have learning to deal with it. I am going to try to make this year better than last. Maybe I'll try to speak with Ashley Wyeth. I have a feeling she may be open to me. I don't know. I do plan to keep a journal this year. My doctor thinks it's a good way to deal with things. Also it helps me with my spelling and grammar, which I must admit has improved drastically since I was in the Centre.

I should have tried today to speak with Ashley Wyeth but I felt so out of place in those halls, as if I didn't belong there. I know people still look at me and wondered what happened to me in grade ten, wondering why I'm still here. I know some of them look at me and wonder how I got so far. I know some of them have seen my art work, seen how dark it is, and wonder what my problem is. I also know some forget that I exist.

Anyway, I still have intentions to write down what happened today. I didn't have any friends last year so there was no one for me to look forward to seeing. I listened and saw all these people so excited to be with their friends again. It wasn't like they hadn't seen them the day before. But this wasn't summer. This wasn't hanging out at the pool, hitting on guys and hoping to hook up. This wasn't late night parties and drinking. This was school. This was a completely different ballpark. Even I knew that, despite the fact I spent the summer alone. Well, except for my "social" visits to my doctor.

Just like last year, I saw alone at lunch. I picked at a salad I had made myself (with gummy worms in it to make it more tasty and entertaining). I wasn't hungry. I had only eaten the gummy worms so far when Taylor Sol sat next to me. I knew her. Who didn't? Stacey's best friend and partner in crime at school. I also knew she was a part of the BSC. I also hated her with a fiery passion. I know the break down of my friendship with Stacey was mostly her fault, but I blamed a chunk of it on Taylor. She sat across from me, with her pretty straight blonde hair, perfect makeup and her perfect size four clothes clinging to her curves, showing off her assets. I ignored her and continued to pick at my salad. I wished I hadn't eaten the worms so fast.

"So, Claudia," Taylor said, ignoring the fact that I was ignoring her, "Stacey is having this party on Saturday and we decided to invite the whole senior class. That includes you." I didn't respond. Taylor shrugged and smiled at another senior as he walked by.

"Think about it. I know Stacey wouldn't say it, but I know she wants you there and it will be the perfect opportunity to put yourself back out there. Get rid of all those nasty rumours," Taylor smiled at me and walked away from me.

Yeah, I know. It seems so simple. So innocent but it has me tangled up in knots. Is it silly of me to want to go? I'd love to go and show those bitches who I have become, that I'm not some dumb loser.

Maybe it's time to re-connect with Kristy. We could go together. That isn't actually a bad idea. Maybe this journal wasn't such a bad idea after all.


	11. Chapter 11: Kristy

I can't sleep

I can't sleep. Oh shoot, I didn't date this entry. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm the only one who will read this. Cary came over after dinner. We didn't have any homework but we told my family, who also don't know about us as a couple, that we had been assigned as partners in my business class and that we needed to start our project right away. I asked them not to disturb us. Mom agreed and even offered to take the entire family out to leave Cary and I alone. It bothered me a little that my mother trusted me so much, especially when I was keeping such a big secret from them.

So my family was gone before Cary arrived. I felt nervous. I never feel nervous around Cary anymore but I did. We were going to discuss about us "coming out." I had avoided the question for the rest of the class but Cary had cornered me about it afterward and said we needed to talk about it. I wondered if I had made a mistake mentioning it last night.

I had gone to his house the night before. I had told my mother that I was going over to Ginny's. Ginny was out of town that day, so I didn't worry about Ginny calling and ruining my cover. I hated lying to my parents, but I did ever time I went to Cary's. I wonder at times why my parents trust as they do.

Cary's family had gone out somewhere. We went up to his room, which held so many memories for me. The first one I think of when I walk in was the first time I was in his room in eighth grade and almost completed destroyed our "friendship." I know Cary doesn't remember that anymore but I do. I carry a lot of my faults around with me. I guess if I keep reliving them then I will learn from my mistakes. I will learn never to do it again.

I was dressed still dressed in my Krushers' uniform. I made sure Emily Michelle got home from the practice safely then went directly to Cary's. Cary laughed at me, saying I was sweaty and smelt. I rolled my eyes, flopped down on his bed, and asked him what he expected. The team was working hard to play against Bart's Bashers. We had a game coming up soon and I wanted to make sure the team was ready for it.

Cary grabbed my feet and pulled me off his bed, saying he didn't want dust all over his sheets. I told him that I was tired and needed to lie down. It was a lie, but I knew it bugged him. He replied that he could lie down without all the dust. He wanted me to go shower and change my clothes. I refused, saying I was comfortable how I was. We began to wrestle. He pulled off my shirt and I pulled off his shirt. We both knew, despite our mock fight, what this was leading to. Soon we were both naked, lying on the floor. He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me, whispering how much he loved me. He rolled on top of me, his dark brown eyes staring at me intensly. Then the words spilled out of my mouth.

"I don't want us to be a secret anymore," I spoke without thinking, "I want the world to know we are together. I hate fighting with you all the time, just to keep up the act." He kissed me, silencing me. I kissed him back, stopping him from saying any sort of reply. I didn't want to hear him say no.

It's not that either of us dated. We didn't even flirt with other people. We were a couple in every sense of the word, except that we didn't tell anyone. We didn't show it in public. Not that I would be like, Stacey McGill, and French kiss him in the hall, so everyone could see who I was with but, at times, it would be nice to hold his hand walking down the hall. Not even that, it would be nice not to pretend that I hate him. It would be nice to invite him to a Krushers' game and have him cheer me on, instead of him saying that he was just walking by and then listen to him make up some insult. It would be nice to be able to be seen with him and not having to worry.

We are so comfortable in our hiding. I have no idea what we were afraid of. Did we think people would mock us? Maybe. I know in grade nine Mary Anne always said that the reason why Cary and I fought so much was because of all the "sexual tension" between us. I always thought it was silly. I told her I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I remember it was Mary Anne, in her passive aggressive way, who was the first suggested that I was a lesbian. She must have told Stacey that, this was before we all went our separate ways, because the next time Stacey and I were alone, Stacey asked if I wanted to practice kissing on her. Maybe that's one of the reasons I wasn't overly upset with Stacey told me that she had to leave the BSC. Every time I saw her I thought about how her blue eyes flashed as she leaned closer to me and asked if I wanted to practice on her.

Cary never answered me that night but I knew, as we said our good byes that the thought was still going around in his head. I knew that Cary wasn't going to forget my words so easily. As I walked home, I wished he would forget. I didn't want to change our relationship. I didn't want to lose him. He was, after all, my closest friend. He was my best friend.

Cary came into my room, smiling at me. His annoying little "I know something you don't and I'm going to make you work for it" smile. The smile that usually is around when he says "complications make life more interesting." I wasn't going to play his game tonight. I was going to ignore him, I decided. I sat at my desk and pulled out one of the novels I had to read for English. I didn't even need to finish the first chapter for another couple of weeks, but I knew not indulging in his little secret game would annoy him. He sat on my bed, not saying anything.

Moments past. He still didn't speak. I was still on the first page, very aware of his presence. We were driving each other crazy. It was a game between us. It was a question of who was more stubborn.

"Kristy," he whispered, his voice mocking, "Oh Kristy." I turned the page in my book. Read, I told myself, my eyes skimming the words on the page. He stood up and took the book out of my hands.

"Oh?" I asked, with a smile of my own, "You want to talk now?" He kissed me and took my hand. He led me to the window and pulled open the curtains. He took me in his arms and kissed me. Really kissed me. The world neighbourhood could see. If my parents drove in at that moment, they would see us kissing. There would be no denying it and that was exactly Cary's point.

"I want the world to know," he said. His eyes were staring at me intensely. Cary Retlin was an intense person. I kissed him back, wondering who in the neighbourhood, if anyone, could see. I wondered if I would get a call from my one time friend, Shannon Kilborne.

"So do I," I said. We had sex then. Away from the window, of course. It seemed only natural. We fell into my bed, professing to each other our love, our promises. When he left, he smiled at me. I knew he was happy. I knew he wanted to tell the world.

So why can't I sleep? Because, I, Kristen Amanda Thomas, am worried. I am worried that our relationship will change. I am worried that we will change. I am worried that our relationship- the kisses, the romance, the sex, will become the only part of our relationship. I am worried we won't have our debates anymore, that we won't still act like enemies, that we won't confide in each other. It was safe to tell Cary about my nightmares, when I knew no one would believe him that I told him anything private. I am worried I will lose my best friend.

I am writing like a girl. I am worrying about things that Mary Anne would worry about. I am worrying like Mary Anne would! I'm not that person. I speak first, act later. Isn't that how I do everything? Why should I worry? No matter what happens, I'll survive. I trust Cary. I trust our friendship. I trust our relationship.

What I really should be focusing on is the BSC. I mentioned the idea of a September festival to the club today. The younger members seemed excited. Charlotte thinks we ought to do something for the real young kids. Like have a make believe school and have the older siblings show the younger ones what it's like. She thinks that the young ones would really appreciate being treated like a big kid. Ginny was sceptical of the idea, thinking that the older kids would want to do something fun. Like having that block party I suggested to the original BSC. Do something with apple bobbing and whatnot. Or wait until Hallowe'en and use our funds to do a super fun Haunted House. Taylor wasn't interested in anything at all and just wanted to do jobs so she could make money. I need people who are really interested in the club. The club is about making business, which will lead to jobs, which leads to money.

This reminds me of something Cary told me tonight. Taylor invited him to this big senior party that Stacey is throwing. He thinks we should go. It will definitely be the perfect way to bring our relationship to the public eye. I agreed. Apparently, Stacey invited the entire senior grade. I know this will be the party to be at.

Crap! It's after one. It's time for bed. I need to push out all my worries and start acting like myself: someone who is in charge!

Good night!


	12. Chapter 12: Mary Anne

Mary Anne leaned closer to the mirror, making sure her lipstick was on perfectly

Mary Anne leaned closer to the mirror, making sure her lipstick was on perfectly. She had spent almost an hour getting ready this morning. She never spent this much time getting ready but this morning she wanted to look special. That and she wanted to hide the annoyance she felt. Dawn had stumbled home in the middle of the night, drunk. Sharon had been waiting up. They got into a shouting match. Mary Anne's father had no idea. He had slept through the whole thing and Sharon hadn't wanted to tell him. Now Dawn was sleeping off her hangover. If she was Sharon, she would force Dawn to go to school but Sharon said to Mary Anne that Dawn was going through a rough time and she needed some time to adjust. In Mary Anne's mind, that wasn't an excuse for stupid behaviour. She could just imagine what would happen if she stumbled home drunk one night. Her father would freak and all the trust she had built up would be out the window. She had worked hard to keep her parents trusting her, despite her transformation over the years. She knew it made her sound like a spoiled baby, but it wasn't fair that Dawn would get a free pass.

Despite Dawn's ability to get away with it, Mary Anne knew she wouldn't be able to. This is why she was making plans to sleep over at Allison's house after the party on Saturday. She had no idea what was going to happen but she didn't want to come home immediately after. Besides, who knows what time would the party wrap up? If she didn't sleep over at Allison's Richard may make some stupid curfew like at midnight. That just didn't fit her plans.

Mary Anne picked up her backpack, thinking about Pete. She had agreed to go to the party with him at lunch. Even the old Mary Anne would admit there was a lot of sexual tension between the two of them dying to come out. She wondered if Saturday night would be the night they explored that tension or if they would simply continue to play their game. She knew Allison would disapprove of them exploring their feelings further. Allison was so much like Mary Anne in grade nine. Dying to break out and be free, yet so afraid to, so afraid of the consequences of becoming free. Mary Anne wasn't about to be stuck in that trap anymore.

Mary Anne grabbed an apple that was probably organic, which meant there might be worms in it and took off for school. She carefully bit into the apple. All these stupid organic foods had appeared in the house over the last week. It was all to make Dawn feel welcome, not that the drunken bitch noticed. Mary Anne immediately felt ashamed at the uncalled for insult. She was just annoyed at her step- sister. That and she didn't like eating something that may wiggle back at her at any moment. Mary Anne tossed the apple after a single bit. The risk wasn't worth it. She remembered her father's cry of surprise when he bit _into_ the worm. She just wasn't in the mood for that sort of surprise this morning.

A red sports car slowed down besides Mary Anne and honked the horn. She looked over and saw Pete waving from the driver's seat. She smiled. A wonderful distraction from the drama she kept thinking about. She didn't want to think about her step- sister anymore. The car stopped and she hopped in.

"A little out of your way, isn't it?" she asked. Pete lived on the other side of town, not that far from Kristy. He shrugged.

"Not too far to see a pretty girl," he replied. Mary Anne blushed, "Anyway, Saturday night, I figured I'd pick you up around eight thirty and we'll be at Stacey's for around nine?" Mary Anne laughed.

"Her house is like a ten minute walk from my place," she said, "I'm going to Al's first for a bit, so pick us up there?"

"No time alone with the hottest girl at Stoneybrook High?" he asking, pretending to be pouting.

"I'm sure we will find time," she shrugged. She didn't want to appear too interested. There was something about keeping a cool distance. It was all about the game they played.

Pete pulled into the parking lot. A thought passed Mary Anne's mind. For a moment she hesitated. During the past summer, she wouldn't have hesitated. Not even for a moment but with all the drama with Dawn was brining back the old Mary Anne. Old Mary Anne who would have been too afraid to go to a party, to dye her hair blonde, to put on a little too much make up just to catch a guy's eye or to stand up for herself. Mary Anne gave herself a mental slap. She wasn't going to be afraid anymore. She wasn't going to be locked in that shell that her father had created for her, that Kristy had help solidify, that for years she was so content in living in. Besides, hadn't that morning she thought about ending the game?

She unbuckled her seat belt and as Pete turned off the engine, she leaned over and kissed him. She pressed her lips against him and parted them open slightly. His tongue darted in. Her nervousness melted away as they kissed. She shifted her body and tried to get closer to him. She wanted to climb on him and kiss him like he had never been kissed before. For a moment, Logan entered her mind, as he did every time she made out with a boy. What would he have thought of this Mary Anne? How much was he responsible for this change? Had he not tried to force himself on her, would she have become so open? Did he break who she was?

Pete undid his seatbelt and smiled at her. He cupped her face; they were both sitting awkwardly in the car.

"I need a bigger car," he whispered.

"Or next time we'll just meet in the back seat," she smiled and then opened the door. She walked away, her heart pounding. She always felt weird after hinting towards that sort of thing. It wasn't like she was a virgin. She had lost that this past summer in Europe. That was the last part of the Old Mary Anne she had to rid herself of. Sometimes she wondered what her mother would think of her now.

She pushed all those thoughts out of her head. She hated the confusion she felt inside. Old Mary Anne versus the New Mary Anne. Uptight Mary Anne versus I-do-what-I-want Mary Anne. Scared Mary Anne versus Open Mary Anne. There was always a conflict. Why wasn't the change easy?

It didn't matter, she told herself. Come Saturday, she would completely embody the New Mary Anne. She wouldn't like the drama called Dawn bother her. She wouldn't let any of her old self seep in. She wouldn't even let the nightmares of Logan stop her. She vowed to herself she would have fun and live her life exactly how she wanted, without the worry of consequences.


	13. Chapter 13: Stacey

The party is going to be a hit, all thanks to Taylor

**Author's Note: Yeah! Another two chapters. I guess I sort of owe that since these chapters are short. Anyway, I want to thank all my reviewers, they are inspiring me to pick up the… well, not pen, the keyboard to write. I just want to apologize if there is a long delay between updates. Like I said before, it is exam month but also I am having trouble with the plot. I have noticed there is a lot of … well, sexual topics in this story. I have never written a story with so much of that topic in it. I don't know how it is coming off or what. I'm not even sure if I want that to be such a big plot line. I also want to touch on a couple of other topics. I was thinking of trying to stretch it out for another couple of chapters before the party, but I don't think I'm going to do that. Now I just need to decide how to handle that scene. I have ideas for a Mary Anne/ Stacey conflict, but the others, I'm not sure yet. **

**I just wanted to say, thanks for all those who are reviewing and giving this fic the time of day! It means a lot to me. Until the next update….**

The party is going to be a hit, all thanks to Taylor. Mom is going to New York with her new boyfriend and she "trusts me to be responsible." There is no reason for her to doubt me; after all I have never been in trouble. For all she knows, all that is going on this weekend, is that I may have a few friends over or I may go to Taylor's so "I'm not alone." She has no idea what I really have planned, or what I have really done any other weekend I say I'm going over to a friend's house to study.

My mother has no idea that lately when I have told her that I'm going to visit dad, I'm really going to New York to visit my new boyfriend. She thinks I'm bonding with dad and his new family, that I'm getting to know my new little sister and brother. Dad is too wrapped up in his career and new family to notice that I never go to New York anymore. Mom doesn't talk to dad anymore, either. I have come up with the perfect lie.

But back to the party, Taylor was the one who convinced me to have this huge bash and invite the entire senior class. I wasn't totally open for it, at first. After all, who wants people like the cokehead Cokie Mason or Claudia Kishi there? The last thing I want is to be cornered by Kristy Thomas and have her try to convince me to re-join the BSC. Or have Pete Black try to feel me up because of some fling we had in grade ten. Seriously, even _talking_ to those people would be such a killjoy. I party because I want to have fun, not to relive old memories of the old days. Taylor reminded me some of those people probably won't even show their faces, and even if they did, there are like three hundred seniors, I won't even have to see them. I had to agree with her. Besides, what better way to secure my position as the most popular girl in school by throwing a huge party the first weekend back?

However, another reason why I wasn't so keen on the party was because I wanted another night with my boyfriend. My lover. I love calling him that. I love calling him on the phone and calling him _lover_. I love what it means and what I mean when I say it.

I have hardly gotten to see, or even spoken to him all week. It's hard to see him during the school yard, which is probably why we haven't progressed into something serious until the summer, when we could spend more time together. I was hoping, when mom told me she was going away, we would be able to have a romantic night together this weekend. That would be completely impossible if the entire senior class was running around my house! But I told him about the party and he says he totally wants to come. He wants to see my friends. I have met his (we told them that I was in second year! They totally believed it!) so he wants to meet mine. He promised we would get time together- just me and him.

Saturday is going to be a big night. I'm debating about skipping school on Friday to get ready. Maybe I'll convince Taylor to skip with me. Mom is leaving Thursday night so she'll never know. I have to get the house ready, which means party proofed and get ready for a night with my boyfriend. My lover. I am thinking about buying some new lacy underwear. I should really confide with Taylor. She knows a great place for … toys. I have never used sex toys before but for him, I'm willing to try anything.

To be honest, I think Taylor is planning something big for this party, something to make it a party to remember. I have no idea what, however. Don't really care, either. All I'm concerned with is making sure people have fun, and getting time alone with my boy! No, my man! My lover.

I really need to work on that letter to the freshmen class. Emily had approached me and asked me if it was ready. She wants to print them for the first edition of the paper. I told her I'd give it to her when I was ready. At this point, it probably won't be until after the party. Maybe afterwards, I'll finally be able to put my thoughts on paper about sex. I want them to know about the power they hold. Doesn't matter right now. Onto more important things!


	14. Chapter 14: Mallory

Dear Journal,

It's Friday night and I'm home alone. I haven't made a single new friend yet. I wish that I could return to Riverbend. I was so happy there! My only "dates" tonight are waiting for chat messages from my friends. My other "date" is with this notebook, writing how unhappy I am. It's like I have turned into my sixth grade self! I have thought I had bettered myself.

My house has changed so much. I should have noticed the difference since I moved to Riverbend, but when I came back I just didn't notice. For the past couple of years I've only been here for a short while, the length of a week at most. Last summer I went to Florida with my one friend, Lizzie. Her parents have a summer home there. It was so amazing there. Even better than that trip I had to California. It's like a whole new world!

I even had my first kiss. His name was Ronald Cane. He was so dreamy. We decided at the end of the summer not to stay in touch. We thought it would be pointless since we probably never see each other again. He was quite upset when I suggested that but I figured there was no point in long distance relationships. Who knew it would be my last relationship? I wondered if Lizzie can give me his address.

I'm just ignoring the real topic at hand here. My life at home. Adam, Byron and Jordan are all fourteen now. They are total jocks (and jerks), even Byron who I thought wouldn't turn out that way. They are all on the school football team. Each night they are talking about a different girl. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if one becomes a father before they graduate from high school. I know it's cruel to say, but it's not like they aren't heading down that path already.

Vanessa- my sister in crime. Or she used to be. She's now thirteen and finally stopped talking out of rhymes. Apparently she claims that she has given up writing all together. She claims it's a total waste of time. Vanessa really doesn't talk to me anymore, so I have no idea what is going on with her.

Nicky- twelve. Emo. Or at emo as a twelve year old can get. He spends all his time online. Mom keeps trying to get him to go outside and do something, even hang out with the triples. He refuses.

Margo (eleven) and Claire (nine)- are still attached at the hip. They are the only ones who actually talk to me and sadly, they are the ones who brought to my attention the real reason why I was asked to return home.

Mom and Dad- now sleeping in separation beds. Of course they can't sleep in separate rooms, there aren't enough rooms but aren't acting very lovey- dovey anymore. I think there is something going on that us kids aren't being told about. Mom and dad are always talking in hushed voices and they seem to jump apart whenever any of us walk into the room. It's obvious they are talking about getting a divorce, but I think it's something more. Dad spends a lot of time at the firm nowadays. Mom told me the other day she was thinking about getting a job. I wonder if dad is having an affair. I hate to think about my dad being unfaithful, but what else would cause such a rift between the two of them?

I think it's time to call a kid family meeting and get to the bottom of it. They may not like an "outsider" like me getting involved, but it's time the eight of us open our eyes and try to get our parents back together before we become a product of a broken home!

**A/N**: Thank you for all those who have reviewed. I want you all to know I haven't forgotten this story at all, just being distracted by my other WIP _Gone_. I intend to finish this one, and will be working on it occassionally. I defintely have some plans in store for the Mallory, Kristy and Dawn plot line. Please be patient! Thanks again.


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